The Thamesmead Grump

Hydrate your way to a fortune

This is one bandwagon
you definitely need to jump on.

First, you need to start up your company. Because you are going to be appealing to a customer base that's mostly made up of the scientifically illiterate, it's best to give it a seemingly healthy name but which doesn't actually mean anything.

Don't use "Aquapura", that's already been taken but something like "Hydrapure", that should do. Now register it in somewhere like the Cayman Islands or such like; with all that money you are going to be making, you really don't want to be paying tax on your profits.

Now follow these easy steps:-

1. Take 500,000 litres of tap water.
Cost - £394.00

2. Run it through a carbon filter system to remove any impurities.

Carbon filter system c. £350.00

3. Decant it into 500ml plastic bottles.

1 million plastic bottles at 5p each - total £2000.00

Total cost - £2744.00

4. Sell them for 80p each.

1 million 500ml bottles of water at 80p each = £800,000

Gross profit = £797,256

5. Laugh all the way to the bank.

Or, if you want to make real money -

Follow steps 1 and 2 as above.

Cost - £750

3.Infuse the water with Heleometric Quantum Particles™.

Cost - £0.00

4. Realign it's metaphormic vibrational resonance with the octave of purity.

Cost - £0.00

5. Using your patented Quantum Hexagonal Metatronic Adjustment Technique™, recalibrate it's mutagenic elements to create a Paradigm Healing Field™.

Cost - £0.00

6. Decant it into 500ml plastic bottles.

1 million plastic bottles at 5p each - total £2000.00

7. Sell them for £2.99 each.

1 million 500ml bottles of water at £2.99 each - £2,990,000

Gross profit - £2,987,256

8. Laugh all the way to the bank.

If you are able to get Gwyneth Paltrow to recommend it as part of a vaginal detox programme, you could even get away with charging a fiver a bottle.

If you think this is a joke, read this:-

https://spoonuniversity.com/lifestyle/why-bottled-water-is-the-biggest-scam-of-the-century

Pardon?

Pardon?

There seems to be increasing evidence that Donald Trump, or at least, people who are close to him conspired with Russian officials to sabotage the recent American Presidential elections in order to get him elected. 

It would certainly benefit the Russians to have Donald Trump as President. With their own international reputation on the rocks following their recent annexation of neighbouring countries and complicity in the gassing of civilians caught up in the civil war in Syria, they would hope that a loose cannon like Trump would take the heat off them somewhat as the World community directs it's attention to whatever his car crash of an administration does next.

No! - Covfefe

To someone like Donald Trump, it's a win-win situation. He gets to be President and creates a new American Utopia, and if he gets caught - well, all he has to do is use his presidential powers to pardon himself and anyone else involved.

When I first read the story about how Donald Trump was claiming he could pardon anyone "including himself", to be honest, I was looking for the source, assuming it would be The Onion, The Daily Mash or some other similar satirical publication. Or, possibly they had got him confused with that other great leader, Robert Mugabe who I could easily believe could say such a thing. But no, he really did say it. Perhaps that what he meant by the term "covfefe".

(Covfefe.

cov-fee-fee : verb (used with object)

To free from guilt. To absolve from sin.

"I am going to invoke "Covfefe", announced the President, turning guilt into innocence.)