Friday, 17 January 2014

On the Run

If you have been wondering where I have been
for the last few weeks, I am a fugitive from the law. 

At last, my dark deeds have caught up with me and the FBI is on my case. I am such a scary person though, that they want to arrest me on line. Someone has told me that this is not a real message from the FBI but I don't want to take any chances.
Now that The Thamesmead Grump is officially 'Public Enemy No 1', I am going to have to go into hiding for a while. I have also tried another tactic which is to try and brazen it out. I don't know if this is going to get me into even more trouble though. Just look at the list of different law enforcement and other agencies that will be trying to track me down. The North Yorkshire Police are especially scary.
This is what I have received

Your Response is needed under 24hours

This is the final warning you will receive from me. This notice has been sent to you in many occasions/ several times but you ignored it.I have warned you so many times and you decided to ignore my e-mails because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested, if you fail to respond back to us with the payment details below, then
we would first send a letter to the MAYOR of the city where you reside and also direct the bank to close your account until you comply with
our directives.

Note that all your properties will be confiscated by the Federal
Bureau of Investigation. We would also send a letter to the
company/organization you work for so that they could get you fired
until we are through with our investigations because a suspect is not
supposed to be working for the government or any private organization.

Your ID which we have in our database has been sent to all the crimes
agencies in America for them to upload you in their website as an
internet fraudsters and a terrorist (suicide bomber). This would have
been solved all this while if you have gotten the CERTIFICATE ENDORSED
AND STAMPED. I, ROBERT S. MUELLER , Director of the Federal Bureau of
Investigation (FBI) wish to inform you that there is no more time left
to waste because you have been given enough grace, therefore you have
been mandated to comply immediately you read this e-mail if you don't
want to be arrested. As stated earlier, to have the document endorsed
and stamped without any delay, you must adhere to this directives to
avoid you from blaming yourself at last when we must have been
arrested and sentence you to life imprisonment. Note that all your
properties will be seized and bank account will be confiscated too.

However, I have decided to see how i can be of help to you because i
would not be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties
got confiscated because your information was used to carry out
fraudulent transactions. I called a private attorney that is working
with FBI office in state of New York who can help you get the process
done and he stated that he will endorse and stamp the document at the
sum of $290 only and i believe this process is cheaper for you.

You need to do everything possible to get this process done today or
tomorrow because i have been informed by the ARREST WARRANT ISSUANCE
DEPARTMENT that the warrant of arrest has been prepared against you
and once is being signed by me as the FBI DIRECTOR, and then the
arrest will be carried out in the next 72 hours. From our
investigations, we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your
identification to one impostor/ fraudster in Benin Republic when he
had a deal with you in regards to the transfer of some illegal funds
into your bank account.

We have investigated and found out that you don't have any idea when
the fraudulent deal was conducted with your information's/identity and
right now your ID is placed on our database as a wanted person. I
believe you know that it will be a shame to you and your entire
family. Also it will be announced in all the local channels that you
are wanted by the FBI. Note: All the crimes agencies have been
contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you
disregard this instruction. You are advised to make the payment so
that your name will be  cancel out fraudulent list today and you will
we shall instruct the bank to transfer the total $1.5M USD into your
account. Failure to do that will attract a maximum arrest and finally
we shall apply for litigation against you. Thereafter, you will appear
money laundering and drug trafficking charges. Be warned; do not try
anything funny because we are monitoring you from our
satellite.Meanwhile, I pleaded on your behalf so that this agency
could give you 72 hours so that you can get this process done. Bear it
in mind that this is the only way that i can be able to help you at
this moment.But if you fail to comply you will face the law and its
consequences once it had befallen on you. You will have to make the
payment through  money gram transfer with the below
information then Send the payment details to me as stated below.

COUNTRY......................BENIN REPUBLIC
ANSWER................... WE TRUST
AMOUNT: $290
SENDER'S NAME.........

Do not hesitate to make the payment today with the above outlined
information so that they will have your name canceled from the
fraudulent list and endorsed and stamped your transfer immediately
without any further delay. After all this process is being carried
out, then we will have to proceed to the bank for the transfer of your
funds valued at $1.5M USD only, which is supposed to have been
transferred to your bank account.

Note: As you can see below, all the crimes agencies have been
contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you
disregard this instructions. You have been given a grace till 72 hours
to make the payment for the document but failure to do that you will
attract a maximum arrest and finally you will be appearing in court
for act of terrorism, money laundering and drug trafficking charges,
so be warned not to try anything funny because you are been watched.

Expecting your anticipated co-operation.
Yours in service,

CC: Canadian Police Association
CC: Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)
CC: Asia Pacific Group on Money Laundering (APG)
CC: Egmont Group
CC: European Bank for Reconstruction and Development (EBRD)
CC: Financial Action Task Force (FATF)
CC: International Monetary Fund (IMF)
CC: International Organization of Securities Commissions (IOSCO)
CC: International Banking Security Association (IBSA)
CC: International Air Transport Association (IATA)
CC: Institute de Formation Interbancaire (INSIG)
CC: World Customs Organization (WCO)
CC: Inter-American Development Bank (IADB)
CC: Offshore Group of Banking Supervisors (OGBS)

Response soonest.

CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: This e-mail message, is for the sole use of
the intended recipient(s) and may contain confidential and privileged
information or otherwise be protected by law. Any unauthorized review,
use, disclosure or distribution is prohibited. If you are not the
intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply e-mail and
destroy all copies of the original.

I have sent a reply using an alias - I hope I haven't made a big mistake

Dear Mr Robert S Mueller

How dare you write to me in that tone of voice. I will have you know 
that I am a member of the British Aristocracy and am a personal friend 
of Her Majesty the Queen. If you are claiming that I am guilty of the 
offences you claim then I suggest you furnish me with the evidence or I 
will instruct my associates in MI5 to deal with you.

My advice to you is to withdraw your wholly unjustified allegations and 
threats and agree to pay the money you owe me without delay.

I await your response
W. Featherstonhaugh esq.
I will let you all know how I get on. That's it for now.


  1. I'm sure he will be very interested to know that impersonating an FBI officer is a very serious offence!!!

  2. This must supersede the old and well respected '419' scam.

  3. I have not laughed so much in ages! Great stuff! The sad thing is, a small handful of people will be taken in by this kind of thing. Look forward to your next posting, as always.

  4. Thanks for your interesting blog.