THE THAMESMEAD GRUMP 

GUIDE TO THE 

MAYOR OF LONDON ELECTIONS

This Thursday, the people of London will be deciding on who is to run their city for the next 5 years. Most of them will stay at home and not bother to vote of course, but for those of you who are interested, here is a short description of each Mayoral candidate.

Zac Goldsmith (Conservative). Zac Goldsmith belongs to the same party that wants to abolish the NHS, the BBC and privatise our education services. As an ex-Etonian oik and Son of one of the richest men who ever lived, he is well placed to understand the problems of poverty which affects so many Londoners. His seeming association with controversial figures such as the Islamic cleric Suliman Gani has done nothing to enhance his reputation however. Can't fault his green credentials though. Once editor in chief of "The Ecologist" magazine and supporter of more environmental controls, his position has sometimes put him at odds with right wing Tories. I wonder how he would have got on with Bexley Council.

Sadiq Khan (Labour). Sadiq Khan has the dubious honour of being the only Mayoral candidate to be subjected to death threats by Islamic extremists for supporting same sex marriage and challenging religious extremism.. This according to the Daily Mail makes him a "darling" of Jihadists. They haven't threatened to kill the BNP candidate so that must mean they don't like him. His main selling point is that he isn't the Tory. He has claimed that he will tackle the Tory housing crisis but doesn't explain why he didn't solve the previous Labour one.

The no-hopers.

Caroline Pidgeon (Lib Dem). As a keen bird watcher, I will always have a soft spot for anyone called Pidgeon. She makes pretty much the same promises as the other candidates with regard to improving the lot of Londoners and like them, seems a bit light on how she would achieve this. No Liberal Democrat candidate is ever going to be Mayor of London so I suppose that defies the adage that politicians are only interested in power.

David Furness (British National Party). Not to be confused with David Furnish, Husband of Elton John. The BNP is pretty much a non existent force now that most of their members have decamped to UKIP. At the last count, they were down to their last few hundred. His message is pretty much the same as it has always been, which is that all the ills which presently befall our society will vanish like the morning mist if we deport all this immigrants that Enoch Powell brought over in the 1950s. He bleats on a lot about Islam but then, all the nutters do that. He also claims to support traditional Christian ideals although he doesn't mention if this includes burning witches.

Lee Harris (Independent). According to the official pamphlet that came through our door the other day, Lee Harris is the nominated candidate for CISTA. Me neither, I had to look it up. I still don't know what it stands for but apparently they want to legalise drugs. That makes him the obvious candidate for many Thamesmead and Abbey Wood residents but not, I suspect, for their dealers. He is the person to vote for now that Screaming Lord Sutch is dead.

Sophie Walker (Women's Equality Party). God give me strength.

George Galloway (Independent). George Galloway - that's it really. Nothing much else to say.

Peter Whittle (UK Independence Party). Not that much different from the British National Party which spawned it and whose members they now claim as their own, their policies are similar to the three main parties with a side order of bigotry. That is to say, everything will be better once we get rid of the nig-nogs. UKIP are one of the few parties to officially support Britain's exit from the EU along with the BNP, Respect and the Monster Raving Loony Party. As the (I believe) only openly gay candidate, many UKIP supporters will be having a serious clash of conscience on Thursday.

Paul Golding (Britain First). As this is a completely unbiased report, I will not let my personal views get in the way of me presenting a balanced description of each candidate. Paul Golding is an odious piece of shit. He is so vile that even other Nazis won't have anything to do with him. An ex member of both the National Front and the BNP, he helped set up his own party along with a few of his cronies including convicted paedophile John Broomfield and Jim Dowson who has suspicious links with Northern Irish terrorist group the UVF. He claims to support British troops but he has been running stalls selling merchandise he claims to be for injured soldiers but is keeping the money himself. He also uses images of murdered soldier Lee Rigby in party propaganda even though the family have asked him not to. Last year, he and other party activists were harassing young Royal British Legion poppy sellers, claiming that they were protecting them from harassment.

Sian Berry (Green Party).  Sian Berry believes in "The Power of Good Ideas". She also believes in low carbon, non nuclear energy (a contradiction in terms). She is also a unilateral nuclear disarmer and supports anti GMO loonies but is surprisingly ambiguous about the existence of Unicorns. She wants us to upcycle our junk. I think I might start with this pamphlet.

DUMB AND DUMBER

What can I say. I must have made my quiz far too difficult because even though it has been viewed almost a thousand times, no-one has been able to answer a single question. (Not even Ron Bevan).

So, to make things a little easier this time, I will set another test with less challenging questions. First though, the answers to last week's quiz.

Question 1.
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is married to which of the following?
(a) Vlad the Impaler
(b) Winnie the Pooh
(c) His Royal Highness Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh.
Answer - (d) Gzognerk, Reptilian Master of Alpha Draconis.

Question 2.
Which of the following statements is correct?
(a) The world will end on 23 October 1997 (James Ussher, 17th century Archbishop)
(b) The world will end on 6 September 1994, 29 September 1994, 2 October 1994, 31 March 1995, 21 May 2011. (Harold Camping, American Christian Evangelist).
(c) The world will end on an unknown date in 2060. (Sir Isaac Newton).
Answer - (d) 1284 (Pope Innocent III predicted that the world would end 666 years after the rise of Islam).

Question 3.
The World Health Organisation wants every child to be vaccinated against Polio because?
(a) They want to eradicate Polio.
(b) They are part of a global plot involving every single doctor, nurse and health care worker in the world to make all our children autistic.
(c) They are controlled by the Reptilian Overlords who use secret mind control devices in vaccines to control the population.
Answer - (c) See the answer to question 1.


Question 4.
What am I thinking right now? (Be careful with this one, it's tricky).
Answer - (b).

Question 5.
Leaving the EU will?
(a) Be a disaster for Britain.
(b) Be good for Britain.
(c) Make no bloody difference in the long run.
Answer - Yes.

Question 6.
Remaining in the EU will?
(a) Be a disaster for Britain.
(b) Be good for Britain.
(c) Make no bloody difference in the long run.
Answer - No.

Question 7.

The above equation represents:-

(a) The Gaussian Integral.

(b) Euler's Identity.

(c) The Cardinality of the Continuum.

Answer - All hail the Reptilian Overlords.

Question 8.

How many beans make 5?

Answer - Everyone knows the answer to this, not worth writing down.

Question 9.

What are you most likely to hear "Flight of the Bumblebee" played on?

(a) A Trumpet.

(b) An Alpine Horn.

(c) A CD Player.

Answer - (d) The Isle of Wight.

Question 10.

Which of the following statements is correct?

(a) Chocolate is an Octave of the Sun. (David Avocado Wolfe)

(b) Cats are a fortnight of Cheese. (The Thamesmead Grump)

(c) Bacon is the Floor Space of Purple. (Anonymous)

Answer - They are all correct.

Question 11.

Mount Everest can be found in which of the following places?
(a) Mars.
(b) The Himalayas.
(c) Harrods.
Answer - Directly beneath the flight path of an aircraft flying from Johannesburg to Heathrow.

Question 12.
Which of the following animals has a beak?
(a) An Antelope.
(b) A Polar Bear.
(c) An Oyster.
Answer - The Reptilian Overlords.


Now, as promised the:-

Thamesmead Grump 

Pathetically Easy 

Quiz

Question 1.

1+1 = ?

Question 2.

If I am standing in the French Capital, Paris, which country am I in?

Question 3.

What are the answers to last weeks quiz? No looking.

Question 4.

Correct punctuation is the difference between "knowing your shit" and "knowing you're shit".

Yes or no? Double points if you don't understand the question.

Question 5.

What is wrong with this statement?

Question 6.

What do elephants have in common with horseradish?

Question 7.

Please feel free to ask yourself anything you like but no looking up the answer on Google.

Question 8.

Which part of the Hipparcos Anomaly don't you understand?

Question 9.

It is sometimes said that there are an infinite number of universes where everything that can possibly happen (however unlikely) is happening. That being the case can someone please tell me where I can find the universe where Kylie Minogue has got her legs wrapped round my neck right now.

Question 10.

How many questions are there in this quiz?

Question 11.

How long would it take to get from Pratt's Bottom to Shitlingthorpe travelling on horseback?

Question 12.

What's it all about? I mean, really, what's the bloody point?

Answers will be posted next Sunday.

A STROLL THROUGH 

LESNES ABBEY WOODS

Constructed in 1178 by Richard de Luci, Chief Justiciar of England, supposedly as a penance for his part in the murder of Archbishop Thomas Becket 8 years earlier. The Abbey was always struggling financially with the burden of keeping the river defences in order against a sinking land and rising sea levels. Eventually, after a checkered past, which also included a substantial part in the Peasants Revolt in 1381 when one of it's leaders Abel Ker, led a mob from Erith to the Abbey and made the Abbott swear an oath to support them, the Abbey was dissolved in 1525 by Cardinal Wolsey under a special licence to suppress monasteries of under 7 inmates.

View of Lesnes Abbey from the land rising in the East of the site.

The Mulberry tree in the grounds of Lesnes Abbey.

Mulberry trees were planted all over the country in the early 17th century on the orders of King James I. He wanted to create a British silk industry and had just discovered that Silk Worms ate Mulberry leaves. Unfortunately, they only eat the leaves of White Mulberries and not the Black Mulberries he ordered planted. This particular tree owes it's shape to the fact that it was planted against the wall of the farmhouse, now demolished, and grew towards the light. During very dry weather, you can still see the outline on the house from scorch marks in the grass.

The Conduit Pond.

This small dam, situated up the hill to the South of the Lesnes Abbey site, (sometimes called the Cundite Pond), was the principal water supply for the Abbey. It ran through a series of lead pipes down the hill to a smaller pond at the bottom and then into a well.

A stroll along the Leather Bottle Path towards the Abbey.

One of a series of mysterious pits. I have heard all manner of explanations for these holes in the ground but my own theory is that they are probably charcoal burning pits. They are surrounded by large numbers of coppiced Hornbeam trees which was the favoured wood for making charcoal.

Coppiced Hornbeam. 

This would have been harvested every few years, originally for making charcoal and later, for making anything needing a very hard wood (it's other name is Ironwood) such as tool handles, chopping boards and cart wheels.

Why the fences?

I keep coming across these rather ugly looking fences that seem to serve no purpose whatsoever. I wonder why they are there.

The Chalk Pit.

I was really sad to see this. Some years ago, I was working with a conservation group who were clearing this pit of years of accumulated rubbish dumped there by the council who used it as a general tip. After many hours of hard labour over several weekends, we were finally able to provide public access. Sadly, it has been closed off again and seems to have reverted to it's original use if the piles of discarded rubbish are anything to go by.

Some of the wood sculptures dotted around the woods, constructed by Tom Harvey.

Hippo sculpture in the restored fossil pit.

Outdoor classroom on top of the heath. 

The fossil pit in Lesnes Abbey Woods

Back in the Eocene Epoch, about 54.5 million years ago, Southern England was in the Southern Hemisphere and just crossing the Equator. At that time, the land hereabouts was formed of a large river estuary where the remains of dead fish and other animals would settle out of the slowing water. It used to be closed off to the public but is now fully accessible. The best time to visit is just after it has been raining when fossils will have washed out of the sand. Children seem to be best at finding them, I think because they have sharper eyesight and of course, they are closer to the ground. There are rules when visiting though so don't spoil the site for everyone else. You can find out what they are here.

Lesnes Abbey Woods Wild Flowers.

At this time of year, the wild flower beds are probably at their best, especially if you like Bluebells. Once upon a time, these flowers would have been a valuable crop. The stems contain a sticky sap which was used by fletchers for sticking the feathers to arrow shafts. Later, in the Elizabethan and Jacobean period, a starch produced from the plant rhizomes would be extracted and used to stiffen all those impressive ruffs you saw people wearing at the time. Right now, they are sharing the space with large drifts of Wood Anenomes.

Wood Anemone

Greater Stitchwort

Some of the footpaths in Lesnes Abbey Woods.

Chestnut Coppice.

When the Romans arrived in Britain, they brought Chestnut trees with them, intending to use them as a food source for their soldiers. Unfortunately, although the trees grow perfectly well, the shorter summers in the more Northern lattitudes meant that the fruit didn't ripen very well. Anyone who goes Chestnut harvesting in the woods during Autumn will probably be disappointed with what they gather as they are likely to be very small and wormy. The trees do coppice well however and most of Lesnes Woods were made of coppiced Chestnut mixed with a few standard oaks. The practice had more or less died out by the 1920's and the trees were left to grow. Coppicing is very good for the local wildlife as it provides a number of different habitats. There have been suggestions at various times about reintroducing the practice as is already the case in other managed woodlands. Nothing has come of it though. You can see below an example of a Chestnut coppice stool that has been left to itself. The rootstock may well be several hundred years old.

Some coppiced Chestnuts that didn't survive the 1987 storm. You can see that the roots are still living and producing shoots.

Various wildlife

Peacock Butterfly

 I don't know what make of butterfly this is. (Sorry)

 This hastily shot snapshot shows a Squirrel with what it must have thought it was a great prize. I have no idea what it though it was going to do with it. 

The Heathland.

When you reach the top of the hill, you find a very different type of environment. This is an increasingly rare patch of dry lowland heath. The soil up here is very acidic and only a few species can thrive on it. 

Flowering Gorse.

The Tumulus. Children used to call this the Penny Bun, it looked like a Hot Cross Bun caused by it having been dug through at some time in the past. Clearing Bracken and other vegetation off it was the first project carried out by the conservation group back in the 1980s.

Weird Trees.

The highly acidic soil makes these trees grow in strange and bizarre shapes. They also grow very slowly. They are at least as old as the large trees further down the hill but are much smaller.

 The Heather growing on this sort of lowland heath needs a lot of management as it can easily become overgrown with bracken and shrubs. Lots of hard work for the conservation group.

The Dryad Tree.

The picture on the left was taken in the 1980s, the one on the right is how the tree looks now. That's what happens when you grow old, I'm afraid.

I hope you found this interesting. If you would like to help with conservation work in Lesnes Abbey Woods, you can find more information on their website here.