The Thamesmead Grump

'Oumaumua -

A special report

Galactic Probe 'Oumaumua.
Sent to search for intelligent life
in the Universe, is currently
traversing a strange Solar System.

The inhabitants of Galactic Probe "'Oumaumua" are attempting to discover if there is any intelligent life in the Solar System they are currently passing through.

According to the Head of Alien Communications, Professor Zzlpn Xzlqqwxeee of the University of 'Ounaumua, there is a good chance of finding life of some sort, although not necessarily highly intelligent.

"So far" says Professor Xzlqqwxeee, "we have been quite lucky in that we have already managed to detect a sentient cheese in the Asteroid Belt and are trying to communicate with it."

He went on to say, "so far, we haven't had much luck, but we believe it may use the Universal "Lactonian" language system; if so, we may make some progress."

Plans to probe Uranus
have been abandoned.

Apparently, Professor Xzlqqwxeee found himself facing some controversy when he suggested probing Uranus during it's recent flyby. Other scientists working on the project believed that such a move could be misinterpreted by anyone living there and after considerable discussion, it was agreed to abandon it.

Recently there was a great deal of excitement when complex radio emissions were detected emanating from several locations on the surface of the third planet from the Sun.

Hopes were dashed when further examination of the planet detected that large quantities of toxic materials, including several billion tons of plastic waste were contaminating the oceans and large parts of the land surface. It was quickly agreed that no intelligent life form would deliberately do this to their environment and so there had to be some other explanation for the radio signals. 

When the Department for Alien Communications was able to decode the information contained within the signals they discovered a great tragedy. It seems that there was once intelligent life on the planet but it was destroyed in some sort of cataclysm involving a virus which caused the inhabitants of the planet to become "Televisiated". 

Victims, unable to resist being "Televisiated" gradually developed the condition "I'm a Celebrity Chef, Get Me Out of Big Brother's Jeremy Kyle Showitis". After a while, this had the effect of reducing the brains of anyone coming into contact with it to quivering blobs of primitive protoplasm.

It seems that this was a gradual process and those people living on the planet were unaware of what was happening until it was too late. In the mean time, their behaviour became increasingly bizarre, so even though they knew they were destroying their planet, they continued to behave as though nothing was happening; continuing to pollute the environment in ever more inventive ways. 

Low level fly past of
planetary probe shows
massive environmental
damage caused by
extinct life form.

Some of them, unhappy with the progress being made with the destruction of the general environment, hastened their own demise by setting fire to a poisonous plant "Nicotiana tabacum" and inhaling the toxic smoke, or they would get into mechanical contrivances and move them at great speed when intoxicated by alcohol or blinded by fog. They would even elect politicians who denied that there was any problem and so refuse to deal with the disaster looming on the horizon.

The end came with tragic irony. Some of their scientists had identified the virus causing all the insanity and had managed to design a vaccine to prevent it, but the brains of the general population had been so damaged by this time that they refused to use it, believing it was a plot by aliens to make them all autistic.

A few scientists and medical practitioners did try and launch a last-ditch attempt to save the people but by then their brains had been almost totally destroyed and could not be reasoned with. Approaching a victim with any sort of rational argument would trigger the main symptom of anyone with the terminal stages of the disease which would involve running around screaming "Do your research! Do your research!".

There are plans to make one last sensor sweep of the planet in the hope that some of them have survived but so far all they have been able to detect is some form of low grade life form inhabiting the tops of the few remaining mountains and surrounded by water. It seems to be making some attempt at communication but Professor Xzlqqwxeee believes that it may be nothing more that residual brain activity and not have any rational meaning.

Stop Press - 
The latest information coming from the Department of Alien Communications suggest that the life form on the planet is broadcasting a simple message appealing to some sort of religious entity called "The Trump" to deny the existence of climate change. Considering that most of their planet is now under water following the melting of their polar ice caps, it proves earlier assumptions that there is indeed no intelligent life left on the planet.